


>Nepeta: initiate shenanigans

by singularthey



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Humor, M/M, Minor Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Other, Pesterlog, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 13:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1305727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singularthey/pseuds/singularthey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nepeta convinces Kanaya to roleplay as Karkat and John in the hopes of meddling in their relationship and pushing it into red territory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	>Nepeta: initiate shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a [Homesmut prompt](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/5681.html?thread=7993649):
>
>> Two of the troll girls decide to rp some John/Karkat porn.
> 
>   
> Originally posted in May of 2011; I have not edited it to fit updates since. 

\-- arsenicCatnip  [AC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] \--

AC: :33 < *karkat grumbles, as purr usual*  
AC: :33 < *karkat turns to his visitor*  
GA: What  
GA: Are You Talking About  
AC: :33 < roleplaying!  
AC: :33 < you said you thought that human boy would make a good redrom fur karkat  
AC: :33 < i agr33  
GA: I See  
GA: I Meant In The Real World Not In The Roleplaying World  
AC: :33 < fur sure!  
AC: :33 < but i was just thinking we could pretend to be them  
AC: :33 < and maybe an idea on how to get them together will come up!  
GA: Im Not Sure That Will Work  
GA: Although I Am Sure Karkat Would Not Be Happy To Know About This  
AC: :33 < he doesn't have to know  
AC: :33 < not until we put our plan into meowtion anyway  
AC: :33 < besides, this is fun!  
GA: Fine  
AC: :33 < yay! you be john  
AC: :33 < i haven't had a chance to m33t any of the humans yet  
GA: Okay  
GA: Before We Begin  
GA: What Kind Of Redrom Are We Talking About  
GA: Flushed Or Pale  
AC: :33 < well  
AC: :33 < to be purrfectly honest either would please me  
AC: :33 < but from what terezi and vriska are saying john does not understand most of the quadrants  
AC: :33 < so meowrails might be a little confusing fur him  
AC: :33 < so I guess flushed would be best! :OO  
GA: I Agree  
GA: Okay  
GA: How Do I Do This  
AC: :33 < just type what john would be doing  
AC: :33 < like this  
AC: :33 < *karkat raises his sickle in case his intruder is unfriendly*  
GA: I See  
GA: John Smiles At Karkat  
AC: :33 < use the asterisks! :oo  
GA: Oh Sorry  
GA: *John Raises His Hands To Show Karkat He Is Unarmed*  
AC: :33 < *karkat does not know what to make of this!*  
GA: *John Approaches Karkat Carefully*  
GA: Wait I Have A Question  
AC: :33 < yes? :oo  
GA: What If I Want To Talk  
GA: I Mean  
GA: As John Instead Of Myself  
AC: :33 < oh! that's usually not a purrblem  
AC: :33 < um  
AC: :33 < i guess we will have to use sp33ch wings fur that  
GA: *John Comes To Karkat* "Hello Karkat"  
AC: :33 < *karkat grumbles, which is nice fur him* "hello john human"  
GA: "Karkat I Wanted To Apologize"  
GA: "We Did Not Mean To Ruin Your Session"  
GA: "The Humans I Mean"  
GA: "We Did Our Best To Not Destroy Everything"  
GA: "Especially Rose Who Was Very Brave And Smart"  
AC: :33 < *karkat frowns* "i know that john"  
AC: :33 < "i was just angry because i was afraid and confused"  
AC: :33 < "and also beclaws i am always angry"  
GA: "That Is Okay I Understand"  
GA: "I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Knew That I Have No Black  
GA: I Mean No Bad Feelings For You"  
GA: Sorry  
GA: "I Want To Be Friends With You Because I Want To Be Friends With Everyone"  
GA: "I Made Friends With A Dersite Too"  
GA: "Only He Was Not A Crazy Megalomaniac Murderer Like Jack"  
AC: :33 < *karkat pawses*  
AC: :33 < "why are you telling me this?"  
GA: "What I Want To Say Is"  
GA: "I Am Crazy And Can Somehow Bear Your Constant Abuse And Yelling With A Smile"  
GA: "So You Should Be My Friend"  
GA: "The Human Definition Of A Friend"  
GA: "And Maybe Take Some Of The Burden Off The Other Trolls A Little"  
AC: :33 < *karkat frowns*  
AC: :33 < "do you mean they don't like me?"  
AC: :33 < "am i that bad?"  
GA: "No That Is Not What I Am Saying"  
GA: "They Like You And Think You Are A Good Leader"  
GA: "An Annoying One Maybe But Still Good"  
AC: :33 < "i s33" *karkat blushes... whatever color, just a little*  
AC: :33 < "john i do not think we would have worked out as kismesis"  
AC: :33 < "you are too nice"  
GA: "Exactly"  
GA: "And I Pity You Too Much To Hate You"  
GA: Wait No  
GA: Humans Do Not Think Pity Is Sexy  
AC: :33 < what, really?  
AC: :33 < human romance sure is confusing!  
GA: It Really Is  
GA: "I Like You Too Much To Hate You"  
AC: :33 < "john"  
AC: :33 < "that may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me"  
AC: :33 < "and the strangest"  
AC: :33 < "humans are weird!"  
GA: "See This Is What I Am Saying"  
GA: "I Am Ridiculously Nice"  
GA: "That Is What We Humans Find Attractive"  
GA: "Except Rose Who Obviously Likes Strength And Bravery A Lot Too"  
AC: :33 < h33 maybe she would like equius!  
GA: No I Dont Think So  
AC: :33 < "i don't really know how to be nice john!"  
AC: :33 < "but i guess i can learn if you help me"  
GA: "I Will Karkat"  
GA: "First You Should Stop Shouting So Much"  
GA: "It Is Unbecoming"  
AC: :33 < *karkat speaks more softly* "like this?"  
GA: "Yes"  
GA: "You Have A Nice Voice You Know"  
GA: "When You Are Not Shouting"  
AC: :33 < "ugh all this niceness is making me sick"  
AC: :33 < "i don't think i can do it john"  
GA: "I Know You Can"  
GA: "And Trust Me"  
GA: "It Is Very Attractive To Humans"  
GA: "Why Dont You Try To Smile"  
AC: :33 < *karkat tries to smile... really hard!*  
AC: :33 < "this is hard!"  
GA: "A Lot Of Things Are Hard Karkat"  
GA: "The Best Things Are In Fact"  
AC: :33 < "says the soft little human!"  
GA: "I Am Not As Soft As You Think Karkat"  
GA: "In Fact Humans Can Be Quite Hard"  
GA: "I Am Very Hard"  
AC: :33 < does that mean something? :oo  
GA: I Dont Think So  
GA: It Just Sounded Good  
AC: :33 < oh, okay!  
AC: :33 < "i believe you john"  
AC: :33 < "you reached the god tier pawfully fast!"  
GA: "I Did"  
GA: "And You Know What Else I Am"  
GA: "Besides Nice And Hard"  
AC: :33 < "what?"  
GA: "I Am Loyal"  
GA: "I Am So Loyal"  
GA: "I Will Never Stop Liking You Karkat"  
GA: "That Is Just How Loyal I Am"  
GA: "And Because I Am So Loyal And Nice I Will Help You In Any Way I Can"  
AC: :33 < "but you can't help me get a romance"  
AC: :33 < "although i'm not obsessing about that right now like eridan"  
AC: :33 < "but i am just saying"  
GA: "Maybe I Can"  
GA: "Maybe I Am Not As Much Of A Not A Homosexual As I Thought"  
GA: "Because In Spite Of Your Yelling And Your Nubby Little Horns"  
GA: "I Think You Are Quite Attractive Karkat"  
AC: :33 < *karkat blushes whatever color a lot*  
AC: :33 < *and...*  
AC: :33 < *smiles!*  
GA: "See I Knew You Could Do It"  
GA: "You Have A Really Nice Smile"  
GA: "Karkat"  
AC: :33 < "yes?"  
GA: "I Think I Am Flushed For You"  
GA: *John Kisses Karkat Tenderly*  
GA: *And Bites His Neck*  
AC: :33 < kanaya!  
AC: :33 < john is not a rainbow drinker!  
GA: Oh Fine  
GA: *John Just Kisses Karkat Then*  
AC: :33 < *karkat is shocked*  
AC: :33 < *but kisses back after a meowment*  
GA: *Johns Bone Bulge Starts To Swell*  
AC: :33 < :OO!!  
GA: *He Touches Karkats Bone Bulge As Well*  
GA: *And Rubs Against Him*  
AC: :33 < um  
AC: :33 < *karkat rubs against john like a cat*  
AC: :33 < "john i have never felt this way for anyone else befur"  
AC: :33 < "would you be my matesprit?"  
GA: "Yes"  
GA: "And Whatever The Human Word For That Is Too"  
GA: *John Sucks - Not Bites - On Karkat's Neck*  
AC: :33 < ooh mr. egbert!  
GA: "Lets Fill A Pail Together"  
AC: :33 < "but there is no mother grub anymore!"  
GA: Dont Remind me  
GA: "We Are Probably Incompatible Species Anyway"  
GA: "Lets Do It Because It Feels Good"  
AC: :33 < "okay"  
GA: "Lets Do It"  
GA: *John Takes Off All Of His Clothes*  
GA: I Dont Know For Sure But Lets Just Say His Blood Is Blue  
GA: *His Bone Bulge Is Swollen And Blue*  
AC: :33 < aaugh i dont know karkat's blood color  
AC: :33 < *karkat's bone bulge is engorged pawlso*  
AC: :33 < *and he is naked*  
GA: "Humans Are Really Into Chute Thumping"  
AC: :33 < :OO!!  
AC: :33 < "but that's so dirty!"  
AC: :33 < "obviously that means it is purrfect for our first time"  
AC: :33 < *karkat thumps john's chute*  
GA: Well That Was Brief  
AC: :33 < equius told me i shouldn't write about that stuff anymore  
AC: :33 < even though its fun :((  
GA: Well Fuck Equius  
AC: :33 < kanaya! :OO  
GA: Sorry  
GA: I Just Mean  
GA: Its Fun And Harmless  
GA: "We Also Love Bulge Bumping"  
AC: :33 < i guess you are right  
AC: :33 < it just f33ls wrong to do it without asking him  
GA: I Know  
GA: But  
GA: It Is For Karkat And John  
AC: :33 < oh! right!  
AC: :33 < "what a coincidence i also love bulge bumping!"  
AC: :33 < *karkat slowly rubs his enormous bulge against john's*  
GA: *John Begins To Leak Matesprit Fluids*  
GA: "Oh Yes That Is So Good"  
GA: *He Rubs Back And Scratches His Claws Down Karkats Dorsal Trunk*  
AC: :33 < *karkat curses*  
AC: :33 < "yes k33p doing that"  
AC: :33 < *he rubs harder and licks john's hearing flaps*  
GA: *John Pants*  
GA: "How Did You Know My Hearing Flaps Are So Sensitive"  
AC: :33 < "john we are matesprits"  
AC: :33 < "fated"  
AC: :33 < "of course we know how to stimeowlate each other"  
GA: "Troll Sex Is The Best"  
GA: *Johns Bone Bulge Bursts*  
GA: *He Covers Karkat In Genetic Material*  
AC: :33 < *karkat thinks this is really sexy!*  
GA: *John Presses Up Against Him*  
GA: *He Gets Matesprit Fluid All Over Himself*  
GA: "I Love Being Covered In Your Genetic Material"  
GA: "But I Think I Would Love This Even More"  
GA: *He Turns Karkat Around And Licks The Fluids Off Of His Dorsal Trunk*  
GA: *He Keeps Licking Lower And Lower*  
AC: :33 < "ooh john!"  
GA: *He Reaches Around And Pulls On Karkats Bone Bulge*  
AC: :33 < "john!!"  
AC: :33 < *karkat bursts genetic material everywhere*  
AC: :33 < *he is covered in two colors and purrfectly filthy*  
GA: "Oh My"  
GA: "Karkat You Are Really Sensitive"  
AC: :33 < *karkat blushes and says something mean that john knows he doesn't actually mean*  
AC: :33 < "but you could teach me to last longer"  
AC: :33 < "if we do this again"  
AC: :33 < "a lot"  
GA: "Yes Of Course"  
AC: :33 < *karkat kisses john*  
AC: :33 < "john?"  
GA: "Yes"  
AC: :33 < "thank you"  
AC: :33 < oh my pawrd  
AC: :33 < kanaya that was so good!  
AC: :33 < you are like a meowgician with words  
GA: Thank You  
AC: :33 < but i don't think that helped us figure out a way to get john and karkat together  
GA: We May Have Gotten A Little Carried Away  
GA: But We Tried At Least  
AC: :33 < yes  
AC: :33 < maybe we should ask terezi?  
AC: :33 < she s33ms to be the expurrt on humans  
GA: That Is A Good Idea  
AC: :33 < okay!  
AC: :33 < *AC goes to ask her*  
GA: Wait

\-- arsenicCatnip  [AC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix  [GA] \--

GA: Can We Do This Again With Rose And Vriska But Just For Fun  
GA: Darn

**Author's Note:**

> The "ooh mr egbert" line is a reference to [this Kate Beaton comic](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=120).


End file.
